A new path to understanding your child: Dr. Ross Greene's Plan B
Parenting can be one of life's most rewarding experiences, but it also comes with its share of challenges. When a child exhibits concerning behaviours, it's easy for parents and caregivers to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and even at a loss for what to do. Traditional approaches often focus on rewards and punishments, but what if there was a more compassionate and effective way? Dr. Ross Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model offers a transformative perspective, shifting the focus from modifying behaviour to solving problems collaboratively. Some great free resources can be found at their website here.
This approach is built on a powerful philosophy: "Kids do well if they can." It suggests that challenging behaviour isn't a sign of a child's unwillingness to cooperate but rather an indication that they lack the skills to meet certain expectations. The goal isn't to impose your will but to work together to find solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory. Central to this model is Plan B, a process for solving problems collaboratively. Let's explore the three steps that pave the way for this partnership.
Step 1: Change your lenses
The first and most crucial step is to adjust your perspective on why a child might be struggling. For decades, challenging behaviour has often been misinterpreted as a result of poor motivation, a desire for attention, or ineffective parenting. Dr. Greene's research, however, points to a different conclusion: children exhibit concerning behaviours when they lack the skills to respond to life's demands in more adaptive ways.
Think of it this way: we don’t assume a child who struggles with maths is lazy; we assume they are missing the necessary skills to solve the equations. The same logic applies to behaviour. A child who has frequent meltdowns isn't trying to be difficult; they may be lacking skills in flexibility, frustration tolerance, or problem-solving. This shift in mindset is profound. It moves us from a place of judgment to one of empathy and compassion. It allows us to see our children not as adversaries to be controlled, but as partners in problem-solving.
This new lens helps you see that behaviour is simply communication. Your child is telling you, in the only way they know how, that they are struggling to meet an expectation. Your role, then, isn't to enforce compliance but to become a detective, ready to understand what's truly getting in the way.
Step 2: Identify lagging skills and unsolved problems
Once you've adopted a more compassionate viewpoint, the next step is to get specific. This involves identifying two key things: the child's lagging skills and the specific expectations they are having trouble meeting, which Dr. Greene calls "unsolved problems."
The Assessment of Skills and Unsolved Problems (ASUP) is a tool designed to guide this process. It lists various skills that children need to navigate their daily lives, such as managing emotional responses, cognitive flexibility, and social skills. For many parents, identifying lagging skills can be relatively straightforward. You may readily notice your child has difficulty handling disappointments or shifting from one task to another.
The more challenging part is often defining the unsolved problems. An unsolved problem is a specific expectation the child is consistently unable to meet. It’s important to frame these problems without blame or judgment. For instance, instead of "Difficulty not screaming when he loses a video game," a more effective phrasing would be, "Difficulty turning off the video game to come to dinner." This focuses on the specific expectation rather than the behavioural response.
Many children, particularly neurodivergent individuals, may have a long list of lagging skills and unsolved problems. Those navigating the complexities of co-occurring conditions can find this step especially revealing. Understanding how to support a child's unique needs is vital, and specialised guidance, like Michaela's online course Living with Both ASD and ADHD can provide tailored strategies. You can then use this knowledge with other strategies like the CPS model by focusing on skill development over behavioural compliance. After listing the unsolved problems, the next task is to prioritise them. You can't solve everything at once. Choose one or two to focus on first to avoid overwhelming both yourself and your child.
Step 3: Solve problems collaboratively and proactively
With your prioritised list of unsolved problems in hand, you're ready to engage in Plan B. This is the collaborative and proactive component of the model, where you and your child work together as a team to find a solution. Plan B itself consists of three steps:
The empathy step: This is where you listen. You begin by stating the unsolved problem in a neutral way and then invite your child to share their perspective. "I've noticed we've been having trouble with [unsolved problem]. What's up?" The goal is to genuinely understand their concern or point of view on the matter. It requires you to listen without judgment, ask clarifying questions, and show your child that their perspective matters. For many children, being able to regulate and express their feelings is a skill in itself. If you, as a parent, also struggle with this and hence it's much harder to work with your child's emotions, Michaela's online course Working with Emotions may give you the fundamental skills, which you can then easily translate to aid your child.
The define adult concerns step: Once your child feels heard and you have a clear understanding of their concern, it's your turn to share yours. You explain why the expectation is important to you. For example, "My concern is that if you don't turn off the game, your dinner will get cold, and we won't get to eat together as a family." This isn't about lecturing; it's about clearly and calmly stating your perspective so the problem is fully defined from both sides.
The invitation step: Now that both concerns are on the table, you can invite your child to brainstorm solutions with you. You might say, "I wonder if there's a way we can work this out so that [child's concern] is addressed and [adult's concern] is also addressed." This final step is where the magic happens. You and your child become partners, generating ideas that are realistic and mutually agreeable. The solution should be one you can both live with, resolving the problem for good rather than just for the moment.
A path forward
Dr. Ross Greene's Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model provides a clear and compassionate roadmap for parents and caregivers. By changing our lenses, identifying the root causes of challenging behaviour, and committing to solving problems with our children instead of to them, we build stronger relationships founded on trust and mutual respect. This approach not only solves problems but also teaches children the critical life skills they need to thrive. It's a journey that transforms conflict into connection, one unsolved problem at a time.