Breaking free from destructive Patterns: A 5-Step Journey to Healing

Destructive patterns can feel like invisible chains that keep us trapped in cycles of behaviour we desperately want to change. Whether it’s reaching for unhealthy coping mechanisms, repeating relationship dynamics, or falling into familiar mental spirals, these patterns often feel automatic and beyond our control. But what if there was a structured way to break free?

Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, renowned psychiatrist and researcher, developed a four-step method for healing that has helped countless individuals overcome obsessive-compulsive disorder, addiction, and various destructive behaviours. Building upon this foundation, trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté has expanded our understanding of how these patterns form and how we can heal from them. Together, their insights offer us a comprehensive five-step approach to transformation.

This journey isn’t about quick fixes or surface-level changes. It’s about developing a deeper understanding of your own patterns, learning to observe your thoughts and behaviours with compassion, and gradually creating space for new, healthier responses. Each step builds upon the last, creating a solid foundation for lasting change.

Step 1: Relabel, Recognising what’s really happening

The first step towards healing involves learning to see your destructive patterns for what they truly are. This isn’t about harsh self-criticism or judgment; it’s about developing the ability to observe your thoughts and behaviours with clarity and understanding.

When you notice yourself engaging in a familiar destructive pattern, pause and gently acknowledge what’s happening. Instead of thinking “I’m being weak” or “I can’t control myself,” try relabeling the experience more accurately: “I’m experiencing a compulsive urge” or “My nervous system is activated and seeking relief.”

This shift in language might seem small, but it’s profoundly important. When you relabel your experience, you’re no longer identifying with the behaviour, you’re observing it. This creates crucial psychological distance between who you are and what you’re experiencing, making it possible to respond rather than simply react.

Take time to notice the physical sensations that accompany your patterns. Perhaps there’s tension in your chest, a racing heart, or a feeling of restlessness. By relabeling these sensations as “nervous system activation” rather than “something wrong with me,” you begin to understand your patterns as protective responses rather than personal failures.

Step 2: Reattribute, Understanding the deeper causes

Once you’ve learned to relabel your experiences, the next step involves understanding why these patterns exist in the first place. Dr. Gabor Maté’s work emphasises that destructive behaviours often serve an important function, they help us cope with underlying pain, trauma, or unmet needs.

Reattribution means looking beyond the surface behaviour to understand its deeper purpose. That urge to check your phone compulsively might be your nervous system’s way of avoiding difficult emotions. The tendency to people-please might stem from early experiences where your worth felt conditional on others’ approval.

This step requires gentle curiosity rather than harsh analysis. Ask yourself compassionate questions: “What might this behaviour be trying to protect me from?” or “What need might this pattern be attempting to meet?” Often, you’ll discover that your so-called “destructive” patterns actually developed as creative solutions to impossible situations.

Understanding the origins of your patterns doesn’t excuse harmful behaviours, but it does create space for self-compassion. When you recognise that your patterns developed for good reasons—even if they’re no longer serving you—you can approach change from a place of understanding rather than self-attack.

Step 3: Refocus, Redirecting your attention

With awareness of what’s happening and why, you can begin to consciously redirect your attention and energy. This step involves actively choosing different responses when you notice your familiar patterns arising.

Refocusing doesn’t mean forcing yourself to stop thinking certain thoughts or suppressing difficult emotions. Instead, it’s about gently redirecting your attention towards activities that align with your values and support your wellbeing. When you notice the urge to engage in a destructive pattern, you might choose to go for a walk, practice deep breathing, call a supportive friend, or engage in a creative activity.

The key is having alternative behaviours ready before you need them. Create a list of healthy activities that you can turn to when patterns arise. These might include physical movement, creative expression, connection with others, or mindfulness practices. The goal isn’t distraction, it’s a conscious choice.

Remember that refocusing takes practice. Your brain has well-worn neural pathways associated with your old patterns, and creating new ones requires time and repetition. Be patient with yourself as you learn to redirect your attention in healthier directions.

Step 4: Revalue, Recognising true worth and priority

As you practice the first three steps, you’ll naturally begin to revalue your experiences and choices. This involves recognising the true cost of your destructive patterns and the genuine value of healthier alternatives.

Revaluing means honestly assessing how your patterns affect your life, relationships, and wellbeing. It’s not about shame or self-punishment, it’s about clear-eyed recognition. Perhaps that pattern of perfectionism actually creates more stress than protection. Maybe the habit of avoiding difficult conversations keeps you from deeper intimacy.

At the same time, you’ll begin to genuinely value the benefits of new behaviours. You might notice that taking time for self-care actually makes you more available to others. Or that expressing your needs honestly strengthens rather than threatens your relationships.

This shift in values happens naturally as you experience the effects of different choices. You’re not forcing yourself to believe something different; you’re allowing your direct experience to inform new priorities and preferences.

Step 5: Re-create, Building your authentic life

The final step involves the ongoing process of consciously creating a life that reflects your true values and supports your well-being. This is where healing becomes truly transformative, not just stopping destructive patterns, but actively building something meaningful in their place.

Re-creation is about designing your life in ways that naturally reduce the conditions that trigger old patterns. This might involve changing certain environments, relationships, or daily routines. It could mean pursuing work that feels meaningful, cultivating relationships that support your growth, or developing practices that nourish your authentic self.

This step recognises that lasting change often requires changes in our external circumstances, not just our internal responses. If your environment consistently triggers stress, addressing only your stress response may not be sufficient. Sometimes, re-creating your life means making bigger changes—setting new boundaries, leaving toxic relationships, or pursuing different goals.

Re-creation is an ongoing process rather than a destination. As you grow and change, your life may need to evolve as well. Stay open to adjusting your path as you discover more about who you’re becoming.

Your path forward starts now

These five steps offer a roadmap for healing, but remember that transformation is rarely linear. You might find yourself cycling through these steps multiple times, and that’s perfectly normal. Each time you practice this process, you’re strengthening new neural pathways and building greater capacity for conscious choice.

The journey from destructive patterns to authentic living requires patience, compassion, and consistent practice. Start with small steps, perhaps simply noticing and relabeling one pattern that you’d like to change. As you build confidence and skill, you can gradually expand your practice to encompass larger areas of your life.

Your patterns developed for good reasons, and they’ve served important functions in your survival and coping. Honour that reality while also recognising that you now have the capacity to choose differently. With gentle persistence and self-compassion, you can create lasting change that truly serves your highest good.

If you want to explore your emotions and learn more about them, our Working with Emotions online course may be the choice for you. In the comfort of your own home, you can work through the modules, understanding your emotions and learning strategies to manage them.