Understanding Shame as an Attachment Emotion
Have you ever felt embarrassed or ashamed of something?
We all experience emotions, some of which are more powerful than others. One such emotion is shame. Shame is often associated with negative events, but it also plays a role in psychological development and mental health. In recent years, the concept of shame, and its role in psychological development and mental health has been explored by many. Let's dive into what it means to understand shame as an attachment emotion.
What is shame?
Mental health expert Brene Brown has become well-known for her research on psychology and behaviours linked to shame, guilt, and worthiness. She's studied the psychology behind why people experience these feelings, and found that shame can actually have very different implications for someone's mental health the guilt. Guilt is related with feeling responsible for a mistake that was made, but also understanding how it happened and being motivated to do better next time. On the other hand, shame is more associated with feelings of being inadequate or as though something wrong is inherent to you. This can be much harder to process than guilt as it gets its power from believing deeper-rooted concepts could be true about yourself.
Shame as an attachment emotion
According to Dr. Gabor Mate, shame is an attachment emotion, meaning that it stems from our earliest relationships with caregivers and can shape our view of ourselves throughout our lives. He argues that over time, we learn how to express emotions through interactions with our primary caregivers—experiences that become hardwired into our brains as we develop emotionally and psychologically. If we had a secure attachment with our caregivers growing up, then it is likely that we will have a healthy relationship with feelings of shame later on in life; however, if our early relationships were insecure or unhealthy for any reason then we may struggle more with feelings of shame later on in life due to unresolved issues from earlier experiences.
The role of shame in mental health
Dr. Gabor Mate has done extensive research on the role shame plays in mental health issues such as addiction and anxiety disorders. In his book In The Realm Of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, he states that “shame is central in setting up patterns of behaviour for almost every kind of addiction." He goes on to explain how these patterns are created through “internalised messages about worthlessness" which lead individuals to seek substances or activities to cover up painful feelings of inadequacy or insecurity.
It’s important to recognise the role that shame plays in mental health because it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as avoidance or aggression if left unchecked. Furthermore, when we are unable to process feelings of shame in a healthy way, they can lead us down a path of depression or anxiety due to feeling like there’s no way out of the cycle of negative thinking associated with this emotion. Therefore, understanding how shame works in terms of psychological development and mental health is key for helping us cope with this difficult emotion in healthier ways instead of letting it control us without knowing why.
Shame is an incredibly powerful emotion that can shape how we think about ourselves and interact with others throughout life. When someone experiences shame, their self-esteem takes a hit and they may become withdrawn or defensive to protect themselves from further judgement. By understanding what it means to view this emotion through the lens of attachment theory—as proposed by Gabor Mate—we can gain insight into why we may feel ashamed at certain times and how best to cope with these feelings in healthy ways going forward. This knowledge could be especially helpful for those struggling with depression or anxiety who find themselves overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness every day but don’t know why or how best to address them head on. Understanding why you feel ashamed can be empowering; after all, knowledge truly is power!
If you want support on your journey by learning more about feelings and emotions and gain a variety of skills to manage them, enrol in our online course Working with Emotions, which will guide you to understand what you feel and how that manifests in your body, mind, and actions. A specific section in this course is also dedicate to shame vs guilt.