What are bids for connection?
Have you ever pointed out a bird to your partner, asked a friend about their day, or sent a silly meme to a sibling? These small, everyday interactions might seem trivial, but they are the fundamental building blocks of strong, healthy relationships.
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on marital stability, calls these moments “bids for connection.” They are the verbal and non-verbal attempts we make to get attention, affirmation, or affection from those we care about.
Understanding bids is transformative because it shifts our focus to the small, consistent efforts that nurture our bonds. It’s not always about grand gestures or milestone events; more often, it’s about how we respond to each other in the quiet, in-between moments of daily life.
The small moments that define connection
A bid for connection can be as simple as a question, a look, a touch, or a comment. It’s an invitation to engage. For example, when your partner says, “Wow, look at that sunset,” they aren’t just making an observation about the sky. They are bidding for a shared experience. They are asking you to turn your head, share the moment with them, and connect.
How we respond to these bids is critical. According to Gottman’s research, there are three ways we can react:
Turning Toward: This is a positive response that acknowledges the bid. It shows you are listening and you care. It can be as simple as saying, “That’s beautiful,” or putting an arm around your partner as you both watch the sunset. Turning toward affirms the bidder and strengthens the emotional bank account of the relationship.
Turning Away: This response ignores or dismisses the bid. It’s not necessarily hostile, but it sends a message of disinterest. For instance, you might continue scrolling on your phone or simply not reply. Turning away can make the bidder feel unheard, unimportant, and lonely.
Turning Against: This is an overtly negative or hostile response. It’s an irritable or critical reply, such as, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” or “You’re always interrupting me.” This reaction not only rejects the bid but also actively damages the relationship, creating resentment and emotional distance.
In his “Love Lab” studies, Gottman observed that couples who remained happily married turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who eventually divorced only did so 33% of the time. This simple pattern was one of the most powerful predictors of relationship success.
Why do we miss bids?
If bids are so important, why do we so often miss them? It’s rarely out of malice. Often, we are simply distracted. The pressures of work, the constant notifications on our phones, and the mental load of managing a household can all pull our attention away from the people right in front of us. Sometimes, we miss bids because we don’t recognise them. They can be subtle, a sigh, a brief touch on the arm, or a seemingly random comment. If we aren’t attuned to our partner’s unique ways of reaching out, these invitations for connection can pass by unnoticed. Stress and unresolved conflict can also make us less receptive. When we feel overwhelmed or resentful, it’s harder to muster the emotional energy to turn toward a bid. Instead, we might find ourselves turning away or, in moments of frustration, turning against. Recognising these patterns in ourselves is the first step toward changing them.
Learning to see and respond to bids: Becoming more skilled at recognising and responding to bids is a practice. It requires mindfulness, empathy, and a genuine commitment to prioritising your connection. Here are a few ways you can start building this skill in your own relationships.
Pay attention to the small things: Start by consciously paying attention to your partner or loved one. Put your phone down when they’re talking to you. Look up from your laptop when they walk into the room. These simple acts of focused attention make it much easier to notice the subtle bids they send your way. Think about their typical patterns. Do they often share interesting facts they’ve read? Do they seek physical touch when they’re feeling stressed? Learning their “bidding language” helps you see the invitations hidden in their everyday actions.
Practice “Turning Toward”: Make a conscious effort to turn toward bids, even if it feels small. If your friend sends you a funny video, send back a laughing emoji instead of leaving them on “read.” If your partner mentions they had a tough day, pause what you’re doing and ask them about it. You don’t need to solve their problems; you just need to show that you’re there and you’re listening. Acknowledgment is a powerful form of connection.
Have gentle conversations about bids: If you feel your bids are being missed, it can be helpful to talk about it with your partner—but the key is to approach the conversation with curiosity, not criticism. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could try, “I feel a bit lonely when I share something and don’t get a response. It would mean a lot to me if we could share those small moments together.” This opens up a space for understanding rather than defensiveness. You can explore together how you both tend to bid for connection and how you can better meet each other’s needs.
Build your emotional bank account: Think of your relationship as having an emotional bank account. Every time you turn toward a bid, you make a deposit. Every time you turn away or against, you make a withdrawal. A healthy, resilient relationship has a high emotional balance. This surplus of goodwill and trust helps you weather conflicts and navigate stressful times. When the emotional bank account is full, you can give each other the benefit of the doubt. A missed bid is seen as an oversight, not a personal slight. But when the account is low, even small slights can feel like major betrayals. Consistently turning toward each other’s bids is the most reliable way to keep your emotional account in surplus.
Take the next step in your relationships
Bids for connection are the quiet, steady heartbeat of a strong relationship. They are the currency of intimacy, exchanged in the simple, unglamorous moments of our lives. By learning to see these bids, to turn toward them with intention, and to have open conversations about them, you can cultivate a profound sense of connection, trust, and resilience with the people you love.
If you find yourself struggling to break patterns of turning away or feel that your own bids are consistently missed, it may be helpful to explore these dynamics further. Understanding your own attachment style and relational patterns can provide deeper insights. Working with a therapist can offer a supportive space to untangle these threads and find new ways of connecting with yourself and others, empowering you to build the fulfilling relationships you deserve.