Why shame can keep us stuck
Shame is the painful belief that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Gabor Maté views shame as a trauma response rooted in early childhood experiences, while Brené Brown frames it as a universal emotion that grows in secrecy and silence. Both agree that awareness and connection are essential to healing.
Shame is one of the most powerful, and most overlooked, forces that keeps people from changing. Not guilt, which says I did something bad. Shame, which says I am bad. That distinction matters enormously.
Two of the most influential voices on this topic are physician and trauma expert Dr Gabor Maté and research professor Dr Brené Brown. They approach shame from different angles, but together they offer a rich and complementary picture of why shame takes hold, and what it takes to move through it.
What does Gabor Maté say about shame?
Gabor Maté on shame is clear: shame is not a character flaw. It is a survival response.
Maté, whose work draws heavily on developmental neuroscience and attachment theory, argues that shame originates in early childhood. When a child's emotional needs go unmet, or when they are repeatedly criticised, rejected, or made to feel like a burden, they internalise a core belief: something is wrong with me. This belief becomes wired into the nervous system.
For Maté, shame is inseparable from trauma. In his book The Myth of Normal (2022), Maté describes how many people carry deep shame not because of anything they consciously chose, but because of how they were treated at a time when they had no capacity to question the messages they received. The child cannot blame the parent, so they blame themselves.
This is why, Maté argues, shame so often underlies addiction, chronic illness, and self-defeating patterns. People are not broken. They are responding, in the only way they learned how, to pain they never had the tools to process.
How does Brené Brown define shame, and why does it grow in silence?
Brené Brown has spent over two decades researching shame, vulnerability, and courage. Her definition is precise: shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
Brown's research, drawn from thousands of interviews, identifies a critical mechanism, shame needs three things to survive: secrecy, silence, and judgement. When we hide our shame, it grows. When we speak it aloud to someone who responds with empathy, its power begins to dissolve.
This is the foundation of what Brown calls shame resilience, the ability to recognise shame, move through it without losing yourself, and ultimately use it as a gateway to deeper connection. Crucially, Brown distinguishes shame from guilt: guilt can motivate change, but shame tends to paralyse. The person drowning in shame is less likely to take corrective action, not more.
Where Maté and Brown converge, and where they differ
Both thinkers agree that shame thrives in isolation and that healing requires connection. Both reject the idea that shame is a useful motivator. And both point to early relational experiences as the soil in which shame takes root.
The key difference lies in emphasis. Maté anchors shame firmly in trauma and the body, he is particularly interested in how unresolved shame manifests as physical and psychological symptoms. Brown's focus is more social and relational: she examines how cultural expectations, perfectionism, and the fear of vulnerability sustain shame across a lifetime.
Read together, they offer something important: Maté helps explain how shame got there, and Brown offers a pathway for what to do next.
How do you begin to work with shame?
The starting point is awareness. noticing when shame is present, rather than acting it out or suppressing it. Some questions worth sitting with:
When do you find yourself shrinking, hiding, or going numb?
Are there parts of yourself you feel you cannot let anyone see?
Do you find it easier to extend compassion to others than to yourself?
Shame rarely resolves through insight alone. It often requires the experience of being seen, truly seen, and not rejected. This is one of the reasons therapy can be so powerful. It creates a space where the parts of you that carry shame can surface safely, without judgement.